Day #5...a nice day at work and a great win by the tennis team. I am beginning to notice that I feel better during the day and have less and less of the rundown, sluggish feeling that I was experiencing on days when I was not watching the amounts of food I was eating. I am also noticing that the snacks during the day are really helping ti curb my cravings and I am appreciating the approach to eating much more these days...a healthy alternative to my recent past!
Food Log:
Breakfast: Total Raisin Bran, 8 oz. of Skim Milk. (169 calories, 1 fat, 0 sat. fat, 11 protein, 5 fiber)
Lunch: Kahiki brand General Tso's Chicken, Apple. (395 calories, 4.5 fat, .5 sat. fat, 8 protein, 5 fiber)
Dinner: 2 Eggs, 3 pancakes, 4 slices of Butterball Turkey Bacon, 1/4 cup Log Cabin All Natural Maple Syrup, 16 oz of Orange Juice. (860 calories, 18 fat, 5 sat. fat, 33 protein, 2 fiber)
Snacks: Roast beef and Cheese sandwich, Full Circle Organic Natural Popcorn. (480 calories, 11.5 fat, 3 sat. fat, 34 protein, 17 fiber)
Total Nutritional Data: 1904 calories, 35 fat, 8.5 sat. fat, 86 protein, 29 fiber
Water: 82 oz.
Exercise: Once again I sacrificed going to the gym for other issues. This continues to be the one hurdle I have yet to get over on a consistent basis. I know it is not because I do not want to workout, I just do not prioritize it the way I need to on a daily basis.
Wrap Up: One thing that my wife did tonight to make dinner a little more accessible for my eating plan was to make the pancakes we had with our Dinner/Breakfast in a more heart healthy way. Using the HeartSmart Bisquick Pancake Mix, she used 1 1/3 cups of skim milk, 2 egg whites, and 2 cups of the mix. This helped reduce a serving of the pancakes cholesterol from 40 mg to 0 mg. It also reduced the overall calorie, fat and sat. fat count as well. They were very delicious and it was nice to enjoy a comfort food without the guilt or concern...Thanks Honey!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Full Disclosure: Entry #4 (Tuesday 3/15/2011)
Day #4.....Tuesday....nothing much going on....tired.....
Food Log:
Breakfast: PowerBar Harvest Energy Bar, 8oz Skim Milk. (240 calories, 4.5 fat, 1 sat. fat, 18 protein, 5 fiber)
Lunch: Salmon, Mashed Potatoes, Broccoli, Apple. (477 calories, 8 fat, 1 sat. fat, 52 protein, 14 fiber)
Dinner: 6 oz Jenni-O Lean Turkey Polska Kielbasa, 1 cup Brown Rice w/ Black Beans, Green Peppers, Corn and Onion. (578 calories, 11 fat, 4.5 sat. fat, 36.5 protein, 7.5 fiber)
Snacks: Honey Nut Cheerios w/ 4oz. Skim Milk, Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich, Pretzels. (520 calories, 10 fat, 1.25 sat. fat, 21.5 protein, 11 fiber)
Total Nutritional Data: 1905 calories, 33.5 fat, 7.75 sat. fat, 128 protein, 37.5 fiber
Water: 80 oz.
Exercise: Tennis (1 1/2 hours at Practice)
Wrap Up: I decided to have a couple of snacks at different points in the day to help curb the cravings I was starting to have and to lift my calorie count a little closer to my desired 2000 calories. It was nice to fit in the snacks so that I was not going so long in between meals without something to bridge the gap. Playing tennis and running drills with the team was fulfilling, but not as strenuous as time at the gym. Still working on getting that structured time set in my day. Early mornings have not been working out lately and I have been so busy during the day, it really has been difficult to find time to get to the gym and still make it home to see the family.
Food Log:
Breakfast: PowerBar Harvest Energy Bar, 8oz Skim Milk. (240 calories, 4.5 fat, 1 sat. fat, 18 protein, 5 fiber)
Lunch: Salmon, Mashed Potatoes, Broccoli, Apple. (477 calories, 8 fat, 1 sat. fat, 52 protein, 14 fiber)
Dinner: 6 oz Jenni-O Lean Turkey Polska Kielbasa, 1 cup Brown Rice w/ Black Beans, Green Peppers, Corn and Onion. (578 calories, 11 fat, 4.5 sat. fat, 36.5 protein, 7.5 fiber)
Snacks: Honey Nut Cheerios w/ 4oz. Skim Milk, Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich, Pretzels. (520 calories, 10 fat, 1.25 sat. fat, 21.5 protein, 11 fiber)
Total Nutritional Data: 1905 calories, 33.5 fat, 7.75 sat. fat, 128 protein, 37.5 fiber
Water: 80 oz.
Exercise: Tennis (1 1/2 hours at Practice)
Wrap Up: I decided to have a couple of snacks at different points in the day to help curb the cravings I was starting to have and to lift my calorie count a little closer to my desired 2000 calories. It was nice to fit in the snacks so that I was not going so long in between meals without something to bridge the gap. Playing tennis and running drills with the team was fulfilling, but not as strenuous as time at the gym. Still working on getting that structured time set in my day. Early mornings have not been working out lately and I have been so busy during the day, it really has been difficult to find time to get to the gym and still make it home to see the family.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Full Disclosure: Entry #3 (Monday 3/14/2011)
Day #3...I felt the affects of the springing forward a little more this morning, but after fighting my way out of bed I began what I knew would be the most challenging aspect of this endeavor...a busy work week. The day went relatively smoothly and was capped with a rousing 8-1 victory by the tennis team I coach. The guys played very well and we are now 3-0 in our conference!
Food Log:
Breakfast: Fiber One Bar, 8 oz. Skim Milk. (180 calories, 2.5 fat, 1 sat. fat, 9 protein, 5 fiber)
Lunch: Tai Pei Chicken Fried Rice. (570 calories, 13.5 fat, 0 sat. fat, 18 protein, 3 fiber)
Dinner: 1 Over Easy Egg, 2 Slices of Whole Wheat Toast, 1 Slice of 2% American Cheese, 1 Hebrew National 97% Fat Free Hot Dog, Pretzels, 16 oz. Orange Juice. (700 calories, 11.5 fat, 3.5 sat. fat, 33 protein, 7 fiber)
Snack: 1 Bag of Full Circle Organic Natural Popcorn. (270 calories, 4.5 fat, 0 sat. fat, 9 protein, 9 fiber)
Total Nutritional Data: 1720 calories, 32 fat, 4.5 sat. fat, 69 protein, 24 fiber
Water: 112 oz.
Exercise: N/A : (
Wrap Up: I am still not getting to the 2000 calorie mark, but I am happy with other nutrient goals that I am able to hit fairly consistently. I did notice that the pace of the day dictated a few of my food decisions, like eating the fiber bar at breakfast and the rice at lunch. Work responsibilities and the tennis match took time away from getting to the gym....I really need to get back in the habit of going in the morning before work, but the time change really did me in this morning.
Food Log:
Breakfast: Fiber One Bar, 8 oz. Skim Milk. (180 calories, 2.5 fat, 1 sat. fat, 9 protein, 5 fiber)
Lunch: Tai Pei Chicken Fried Rice. (570 calories, 13.5 fat, 0 sat. fat, 18 protein, 3 fiber)
Dinner: 1 Over Easy Egg, 2 Slices of Whole Wheat Toast, 1 Slice of 2% American Cheese, 1 Hebrew National 97% Fat Free Hot Dog, Pretzels, 16 oz. Orange Juice. (700 calories, 11.5 fat, 3.5 sat. fat, 33 protein, 7 fiber)
Snack: 1 Bag of Full Circle Organic Natural Popcorn. (270 calories, 4.5 fat, 0 sat. fat, 9 protein, 9 fiber)
Total Nutritional Data: 1720 calories, 32 fat, 4.5 sat. fat, 69 protein, 24 fiber
Water: 112 oz.
Exercise: N/A : (
Wrap Up: I am still not getting to the 2000 calorie mark, but I am happy with other nutrient goals that I am able to hit fairly consistently. I did notice that the pace of the day dictated a few of my food decisions, like eating the fiber bar at breakfast and the rice at lunch. Work responsibilities and the tennis match took time away from getting to the gym....I really need to get back in the habit of going in the morning before work, but the time change really did me in this morning.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Full Disclosure: Entry #2 (Sunday 3/13/2011)
Day #2...a very nice day with the family. I was able to take care of some of the chores around the house, got in a workout at the gym and even got a chance to spend some time with the kids at the park. Springing forward wasn't too much of an issue, even though I did find myself nodding off during the afternoon. A short power nap was just the ticket to get myself ready for the gym...that and a little poking and prodding from the wife. I am glad she pushed today, because it felt great being at the gym and taking care of myself even if it was just for a little more than an hour. I felt more energetic and was able to really enjoy playing with the kids at the park. Now, on to the food....
Food Log:
Breakfast: 1 Boiled Egg, 1 Slice of Whole Wheat Toast, Cantaloupe, Apples. (271 calories, 5.5 fat, 1.5 sat. fat, 12 protein, 7 fiber)
Lunch: Hebrew National 97% Fat Free Hot Dogs w/ Chili, Whole Wheat Buns, Pretzels, Romaine Leaves, Carrots, Fat Free French Dressing. (648 calories, 11 fat, 1.5 sat. fat, 45 protein, 19 fiber)
Dinner: Broiled Salmon, Herb Mashed Potatoes, Corn, Broccoli. (495 calorie, 8.8 fat, 1 sat. fat, 54.5 protein, 11.8 fiber)
Snack: PowerBar Harvest Energy Bar, ThinkThin Bar. (490 calories, 13 fat, 5 sat. fat, 30 protein, 6 fiber)
Total Nutritional Data: 1904 calories, 38.3 fat, 9 sat. fat, 141.5 protein, 43.8 fiber
Water: 116 oz.
Exercise: Elliptical Machine (35 mins./2.5 miles), Treadmill (30 mins./1.5 miles @ 3 incline)
Wrap Up: I was happy with the amount of food I was able to eat today and still stay within my ranges. I still came up a little short on calories, but was much closer. I went over fat just a bit, but that was balanced by being just under yesterday. I had the PowerBar and ThinkThin Bar at the gym and will probably just go with one from now on. I was actually testing them to see which I liked and I preferred the PowerBar Harvest Energy Bar in both taste and nutrients.
I also thought it might be helpful if I occasionally spotlight one of my daily meals in an effort to give you additional information about preparation techniques and portion size. Hopefully, this will offer ideas for those looking for something to spice up their own kitchen...tonight I will highlight my Salmon dinner.
This meal included 8 oz. of Salmon which I baked at 375 for 20 mins. and then finished under a broiler for about 5 mins. The sides included 3/4 of a cup of homemade herb mashed potatoes, 1/2 cup of whole kernel corn and 1 cup of sauteed broccoli. For the potatoes, I boiled about 6 large red potatoes, w/ skin, in salt and peppered water. Once the potatoes were fork tender, I drained them and added 1 cup of skim milk. I chose not to use butter for this recipe to help maintain a fat free dish. After blending the milk and potatoes, I added rosemary and fresh Italian parsley for flavor. The corn was just tossed in 3/4 cup of boiling water and once the water began boiling a second time, I covered and simmered on low for about 5 - 8 mins. I also chose not to add extra butter to this dish. For the broccoli, I cut fresh stalks and added them to a pan with about 2 tsp of extra virgin olive oil. I sauteed the broccoli on medium high heat for about 8 mins. and then poured in a splash of fat free chicken stock to allow the stalks to steam for a few mins. This softens the broccoli while allowing it to maintain a little crunch. The meal turned out really well, was quite filling and came in under 500 calories and had less than 9 grams of total fat.
So, day 2 is in the books and now the challenge of a hectic week awaits!
Food Log:
Breakfast: 1 Boiled Egg, 1 Slice of Whole Wheat Toast, Cantaloupe, Apples. (271 calories, 5.5 fat, 1.5 sat. fat, 12 protein, 7 fiber)
Lunch: Hebrew National 97% Fat Free Hot Dogs w/ Chili, Whole Wheat Buns, Pretzels, Romaine Leaves, Carrots, Fat Free French Dressing. (648 calories, 11 fat, 1.5 sat. fat, 45 protein, 19 fiber)
Dinner: Broiled Salmon, Herb Mashed Potatoes, Corn, Broccoli. (495 calorie, 8.8 fat, 1 sat. fat, 54.5 protein, 11.8 fiber)
Snack: PowerBar Harvest Energy Bar, ThinkThin Bar. (490 calories, 13 fat, 5 sat. fat, 30 protein, 6 fiber)
Total Nutritional Data: 1904 calories, 38.3 fat, 9 sat. fat, 141.5 protein, 43.8 fiber
Water: 116 oz.
Exercise: Elliptical Machine (35 mins./2.5 miles), Treadmill (30 mins./1.5 miles @ 3 incline)
Wrap Up: I was happy with the amount of food I was able to eat today and still stay within my ranges. I still came up a little short on calories, but was much closer. I went over fat just a bit, but that was balanced by being just under yesterday. I had the PowerBar and ThinkThin Bar at the gym and will probably just go with one from now on. I was actually testing them to see which I liked and I preferred the PowerBar Harvest Energy Bar in both taste and nutrients.
I also thought it might be helpful if I occasionally spotlight one of my daily meals in an effort to give you additional information about preparation techniques and portion size. Hopefully, this will offer ideas for those looking for something to spice up their own kitchen...tonight I will highlight my Salmon dinner.
This meal included 8 oz. of Salmon which I baked at 375 for 20 mins. and then finished under a broiler for about 5 mins. The sides included 3/4 of a cup of homemade herb mashed potatoes, 1/2 cup of whole kernel corn and 1 cup of sauteed broccoli. For the potatoes, I boiled about 6 large red potatoes, w/ skin, in salt and peppered water. Once the potatoes were fork tender, I drained them and added 1 cup of skim milk. I chose not to use butter for this recipe to help maintain a fat free dish. After blending the milk and potatoes, I added rosemary and fresh Italian parsley for flavor. The corn was just tossed in 3/4 cup of boiling water and once the water began boiling a second time, I covered and simmered on low for about 5 - 8 mins. I also chose not to add extra butter to this dish. For the broccoli, I cut fresh stalks and added them to a pan with about 2 tsp of extra virgin olive oil. I sauteed the broccoli on medium high heat for about 8 mins. and then poured in a splash of fat free chicken stock to allow the stalks to steam for a few mins. This softens the broccoli while allowing it to maintain a little crunch. The meal turned out really well, was quite filling and came in under 500 calories and had less than 9 grams of total fat.
So, day 2 is in the books and now the challenge of a hectic week awaits!
Full Disclosure: Entry #1 (Saturday 3/12/2011)
Well, here is the first of the "21 Days" of Full Disclosure...it was a great day. I got the opportunity to take my oldest little girl to a Princess Luncheon for a friends' birthday party and had a good eating day to boot! The first thing I thought about this morning as I was making a decision on what to have for breakfast was...this is going on the blog, so make it count! I think this will cause me to at least pause and consider the food choices I make. Each time I began to eat, I took a moment to think about my goals and then was able to make a smart decision as to what I ate and how it was prepared. I also was reminded as I worked to create these "smart meals" that I can really get a lot of good food while sticking to my desired plans...a great start to what will hopefully be a great 3 weeks!
Food Log:
Breakfast: 2 Egg Whites, 1 slice of lean Turkey Bacon, 1 tsp of horseradish mustard and 1 slice of Whole Wheat toast. (158 calories, 1.5 fat, 0 sat. fat, 15 protein, 3 fiber)
Lunch: Homemade Chicken Salad (grilled chix, light mayo, apple, carrot, green pepper) on Romaine Leaves, Ciabatta, Homemade Peanut Butter Cookie. (573 calories, 16 fat, 2.5 sat. fat, 44 protein, 8 fiber)
Dinner: Veggie Burger, Broccoli, grilled onions and mushrooms, red beans and rice. (494 calories, 7 fat, 1 sat. fat, 30 protein, 20.5 fiber)
Snack: Pretzels. (345 calories, 3 fat, 0 sat. fat, 9 protein, 3 fiber)
Total Nutritional Data: 1570 calories, 27.5 fat, 3.5 sat. fat, 98 protein, 34.5 fiber
Water: 112 oz.
Exercise: N/A (After taking my daughter to her party, I hung around the house with the family...it was a nice relaxing day together, but I know I still need to take the time to get this exercise in each day.)
Wrap Up: In looking over the day I was pleased with the lower fat and sat. fat consumption of my day and was glad to see that I was able to hit my protein and fiber minimums, as well as, limiting myself to water and not sodas or other sugary drinks. I was also pleased with the amount of vegetables I included in my day. I would like to add a little more fruit, so that will be a priority moving forward. The hardest part of the day was finding the extra calories I needed to try and hit 2000. It is crazy how easy you can go beyond a healthy caloric intake when you are shoveling down burgers and candy, yet when you start eating the healthy stuff, you really have to find ways to get the calories. I will try and put some more whole grains in this week and see if that can bring the caloric intake up in a healthy way.
1 day down, 20 to go....here's to another good day tomorrow!
Food Log:
Breakfast: 2 Egg Whites, 1 slice of lean Turkey Bacon, 1 tsp of horseradish mustard and 1 slice of Whole Wheat toast. (158 calories, 1.5 fat, 0 sat. fat, 15 protein, 3 fiber)
Lunch: Homemade Chicken Salad (grilled chix, light mayo, apple, carrot, green pepper) on Romaine Leaves, Ciabatta, Homemade Peanut Butter Cookie. (573 calories, 16 fat, 2.5 sat. fat, 44 protein, 8 fiber)
Dinner: Veggie Burger, Broccoli, grilled onions and mushrooms, red beans and rice. (494 calories, 7 fat, 1 sat. fat, 30 protein, 20.5 fiber)
Snack: Pretzels. (345 calories, 3 fat, 0 sat. fat, 9 protein, 3 fiber)
Total Nutritional Data: 1570 calories, 27.5 fat, 3.5 sat. fat, 98 protein, 34.5 fiber
Water: 112 oz.
Exercise: N/A (After taking my daughter to her party, I hung around the house with the family...it was a nice relaxing day together, but I know I still need to take the time to get this exercise in each day.)
Wrap Up: In looking over the day I was pleased with the lower fat and sat. fat consumption of my day and was glad to see that I was able to hit my protein and fiber minimums, as well as, limiting myself to water and not sodas or other sugary drinks. I was also pleased with the amount of vegetables I included in my day. I would like to add a little more fruit, so that will be a priority moving forward. The hardest part of the day was finding the extra calories I needed to try and hit 2000. It is crazy how easy you can go beyond a healthy caloric intake when you are shoveling down burgers and candy, yet when you start eating the healthy stuff, you really have to find ways to get the calories. I will try and put some more whole grains in this week and see if that can bring the caloric intake up in a healthy way.
1 day down, 20 to go....here's to another good day tomorrow!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
21 Days of FULL DISCLOSURE!
While meeting with Dr. Wynns this week, I brought up an idea that my wife had discussed with me about posting my daily intake of food and specific exercise regimens. Dr. Wynns felt that this idea would be a great way to not only document my food intake and exercise, but also would act as an accountability log to keep me on a more consistent path to getting healthier. I chose "21 Days" as an initial time period because, according to most research, if you can do something for at least 21 days it essentially becomes a habit that you will traditionally continue to make a part of your daily routines.
So, beginning this weekend, I will start keeping a daily post on the blog showing what I eat, when and how I exercise and a brief write-up of the day. I hope that this will create an open dialogue with others that will both motivate and benefit all involved. The goals I am setting for myself include:
Daily Intakes:
2000 calories
30 fat grams
10 saturated fat grams
25 grams of Fiber
75 grams of Protein
64 oz of Water
5 servings of Fruits and Vegetables
Exercise:
1 hour of Cardio
30 mins. of Weight Training
Tennis 2-3 times a week at Practice
I will also keep a weekly update as to my weight loss! The goal I am setting for myself is to lose 3 lbs a week and to have a total weight loss of 50 lbs before my family and I go to the beach in July.
ENTRY #1....Coming this Saturday to a Blog near you!
So, beginning this weekend, I will start keeping a daily post on the blog showing what I eat, when and how I exercise and a brief write-up of the day. I hope that this will create an open dialogue with others that will both motivate and benefit all involved. The goals I am setting for myself include:
Daily Intakes:
2000 calories
30 fat grams
10 saturated fat grams
25 grams of Fiber
75 grams of Protein
64 oz of Water
5 servings of Fruits and Vegetables
Exercise:
1 hour of Cardio
30 mins. of Weight Training
Tennis 2-3 times a week at Practice
I will also keep a weekly update as to my weight loss! The goal I am setting for myself is to lose 3 lbs a week and to have a total weight loss of 50 lbs before my family and I go to the beach in July.
ENTRY #1....Coming this Saturday to a Blog near you!
Monday, March 7, 2011
The Perfect Storm....and a Tunnel!
Floating on a raft no bigger than myself, surrounded by waves so ominous that I can't help but wonder which one will crash upon me taking me beneath the cold water. The night sky, so dark and lifeless that even the perception of light is lost upon me. I wait, bobbing up and down lake a buoy that is no longer anchored to the earth, but has been set adrift to wonder aimlessly through the waters. No help in sight...no saviour on the water to pull me to the safety of a vessel. I drift alone with the thoughts, concerns and fears that life inevitably casts upon me. The essence of my existence is challenged by the enormity of the situation in which I find myself. At a moment like this I am unable to focus on the positive aspects of my life....I am unable to look at myself in any way other than negatively and I can't help but blame myself for the things I have not done. The disappointment I feel engulfs my being and I am DEFEATED!
For the past month, this is the person I have been. I have avoided the blog, glossed over issues with friends and been distant at times with my wife and family. Usually, I tell a story that has some humor and a happy ending full of hope for the future. Unfortunately, that has not been the person I was in recent weeks. The crazy thing is, I know the coping skills needed to avoid these times in my life. I know that when the world begins to cave in and the mountain of responsibilities seems to grow by exponential leaps and bounds that I am capable of avoiding the depressed moments of life and that I can make things better. Recently, I have not done that. Over the last few weeks, I have allowed myself to fall ever so slowly into a void of confusion and despair, in which I had not been in quite some time. The ease of which this occurred is startling. Two weeks ago when I met with my therapist, Dr. Kristen Wynns, I spent much of the session in tears and frustration unable to express in words what I was feeling. I even tried to convince myself that I was not feeling emotionally depressed and that fatigue was to blame. Well, fatigue was partially to blame, but so was the continued self-abusing, criticizing, and unyielding feeling of ineptness that I was holding over myself. Like many others in the world, I still to this day at times berate myself and hold myself to such unattainable personal limits that anytime I fall short of these expectations I stand ready to crucify all my behaviors and nullify any goodness that I have managed to achieve. I so beat myself up, that the physical fatigue my body feels from the relentless schedule I keep myself under each week, pales in comparison to the emotional fatigue that I personally create within myself. I then do a fine job of pushing each and every feeling that could act as a glimmer of hope so deep into my psyche that it has no chance of being seen or heard. Once I have completely eliminated the good aspects of who I am, the real torture begins. I look at everything in my life through the landscape of a tunnel. I don't see the beauty that surrounds the tunnel, only the darkness that fills it. Nothing seems positive....my job isn't fulfilling, my truck isn't good enough, my parenting skills are horrible, my house isn't nice enough, I don't provide for my family as I should, my relationship with my wife is poor....all of these things being completely untrue, but not when viewed in the darkness of the tunnel. Once I have everything good and packed down, I wait until just the last moment and allow it to explode upon others. Now in the past, this explosion would have included massive anger, frustration and even rage...a positive change in my life is that this no longer happens. However, the anger this last time was replaced with a sadness and depression that left me in a place that I did not like!
Fortunately, I have a wonderfully supportive wife and a very talented therapist who help steer me back in the right direction. I know that the things I feel during these times are completely bogus and that I need to lighten up on myself from time to time and allow myself to make the occasional mistake without dropping the proverbial hammer on myself. After compartmentalizing the responsibilities I was facing, I was able to slowly, but surely, check each of them off in a timely and successful manner. As this week begins, I am out of the tunnel and enjoying the beauty of the world around me. My main focus now must be on my ability to see the tunnel before I enter it and to be honest with myself enough to admit that the tunnel is out there and that I am going to inevitably enter it again, I just hope I have a light with me the next time it happens.
(On a personal note....to those of you who continue to support and love me....THANKS! I promise not to allow another month to pass without posting to the blog. I realize now that if I need and desire the support of good friends, it is important to keep people informed. I chose not to write this last month, because I felt embarrassed about the things I was going through. I realize that it is in those times that I need you the most. So from here on, no matter what I am experiencing...good, bad, or indifferent....I WILL WRITE! I love and appreciate you all.)
For the past month, this is the person I have been. I have avoided the blog, glossed over issues with friends and been distant at times with my wife and family. Usually, I tell a story that has some humor and a happy ending full of hope for the future. Unfortunately, that has not been the person I was in recent weeks. The crazy thing is, I know the coping skills needed to avoid these times in my life. I know that when the world begins to cave in and the mountain of responsibilities seems to grow by exponential leaps and bounds that I am capable of avoiding the depressed moments of life and that I can make things better. Recently, I have not done that. Over the last few weeks, I have allowed myself to fall ever so slowly into a void of confusion and despair, in which I had not been in quite some time. The ease of which this occurred is startling. Two weeks ago when I met with my therapist, Dr. Kristen Wynns, I spent much of the session in tears and frustration unable to express in words what I was feeling. I even tried to convince myself that I was not feeling emotionally depressed and that fatigue was to blame. Well, fatigue was partially to blame, but so was the continued self-abusing, criticizing, and unyielding feeling of ineptness that I was holding over myself. Like many others in the world, I still to this day at times berate myself and hold myself to such unattainable personal limits that anytime I fall short of these expectations I stand ready to crucify all my behaviors and nullify any goodness that I have managed to achieve. I so beat myself up, that the physical fatigue my body feels from the relentless schedule I keep myself under each week, pales in comparison to the emotional fatigue that I personally create within myself. I then do a fine job of pushing each and every feeling that could act as a glimmer of hope so deep into my psyche that it has no chance of being seen or heard. Once I have completely eliminated the good aspects of who I am, the real torture begins. I look at everything in my life through the landscape of a tunnel. I don't see the beauty that surrounds the tunnel, only the darkness that fills it. Nothing seems positive....my job isn't fulfilling, my truck isn't good enough, my parenting skills are horrible, my house isn't nice enough, I don't provide for my family as I should, my relationship with my wife is poor....all of these things being completely untrue, but not when viewed in the darkness of the tunnel. Once I have everything good and packed down, I wait until just the last moment and allow it to explode upon others. Now in the past, this explosion would have included massive anger, frustration and even rage...a positive change in my life is that this no longer happens. However, the anger this last time was replaced with a sadness and depression that left me in a place that I did not like!
Fortunately, I have a wonderfully supportive wife and a very talented therapist who help steer me back in the right direction. I know that the things I feel during these times are completely bogus and that I need to lighten up on myself from time to time and allow myself to make the occasional mistake without dropping the proverbial hammer on myself. After compartmentalizing the responsibilities I was facing, I was able to slowly, but surely, check each of them off in a timely and successful manner. As this week begins, I am out of the tunnel and enjoying the beauty of the world around me. My main focus now must be on my ability to see the tunnel before I enter it and to be honest with myself enough to admit that the tunnel is out there and that I am going to inevitably enter it again, I just hope I have a light with me the next time it happens.
(On a personal note....to those of you who continue to support and love me....THANKS! I promise not to allow another month to pass without posting to the blog. I realize now that if I need and desire the support of good friends, it is important to keep people informed. I chose not to write this last month, because I felt embarrassed about the things I was going through. I realize that it is in those times that I need you the most. So from here on, no matter what I am experiencing...good, bad, or indifferent....I WILL WRITE! I love and appreciate you all.)
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