Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Definition of SUPPORT.....

18 months ago, I ran my first 5K.  I had lost about 45 pounds and weighed about 260.  I had also been working out with my wife for about 3 months and was feeling really good about myself.  I decided the 5K was a good goal to set.  My brother-in-law ran that day with me and we completed it in a little under 37 minutes.  The emotions I felt that day were unbelievable.  Today, I eclipsed that feeling by a great deal. You see, I am down at the coast visiting my family and when my wife and I woke up, we decided that we should run a little to try and keep up with our exercise routine.  Surprisingly, today was the first day since January that the beach had experienced a snowfall.  We were determined not to be deterred and chose to run anyway.  My twin brother decided to run with us and so the three of us set out for a little jog.  Within a few hundred feet I was ready to quit....SERIOUSLY!  Had it not been for my wife on my right and my brother on my left I actually might have quit and gone home.  I pressed on and made it through the first quarter mile.  At this point, an actual buzzard began to circle over our heads.  I believe that he hoped I would drop dead right there on the side of the road so that he and his friends would be treated to a post-Christmas smorgasbord. Unfortunately for them. I stayed upright.  Now, when we began, I thought we would make a mile and decide we had given it a solid effort and could then go home and enjoy drinking some warm coffee and watching the snow fall.  This of course was not to be.  The route my brother had chosen was at least going to be a 2 mile run, with a possibility of 3 miles.  As I began to wrap my mind around this new development, I noticed that just like the synchronization of our heartbeats in the womb, my brother and I had settled into a standard cadence of a 1,2,3,4 pace during the run. I focused my attention on that cadence and on the fact that I was running with two of the most important people in my life...my TWIN BROTHER, who since the moment of our conception has been my best friend and the person who is truly a part of me...and my WIFE, who not only is the love of my life and the mother of my 3 incredible kids, but also the one person who has consistently shown me the definition of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. With these amazing individuals by my sides, I continued to push myself through the one mile mark.  As we began the 2nd mile, my mind was taken back to the day of my 5K.  I thought about the feelings that went through my mind and body and about the joy of completing the run.  I also thought about the fact that my brother had completed his first 5K just a couple of weekends ago. At this moment, I decided that even though my body was screaming for me to stop, it was my mind that was my biggest enemy.  If I could find a way to defeat my mental blocks I could actually make it to 2 miles.  As the 2nd mile marker approached my brother looked at me and said, "YOU DID IT! You made 2 miles!"  I looked into his eyes and saw the love and joy that only a twin can express and told him I wanted to keep going.  His support lit a desire in  me to make this little run into an impromptu 5K. With my wife just ahead and my brother still running in step beside me, I passed the 2 mile mark. As the final mile approached, I fell into that little trance you get when the repetitive nature of the task at hand overcomes your consciousness and I simply began to just put one foot in front of the other.  My body, screaming even louder in protest nearly forced an early ending to what would become an unbelievable day, but suddenly things changed.  When I opened the eyes of my understanding I noticed I was on the road passing my Mom's house.  As I passed her house and the house of my older brother and then behind the house my twin shares with his amazing family, my body began to hurt less.  Running past the houses of the men and women who helped mold and shape me into the man I am today created a euphoric feeling, which blocked the pain my body was feeling.  You see, for much of my life, I have felt, in a most arrogant way, that I am the most successful person in my family. I am the one who went to college on a full scholarship...I am the one who earned the first Master's degree in our family...and I am the one who has been named coach of the year 6 times as the tennis coach at my school!  I have accomplished all these things and yet none of them helped get me through the run this morning.  As I ran down the streets of the town in which I grew up, watching snow fall around me, it was the amazing people in my life who kept me going.  For years I have reminded my brother that I am 4 minutes older than he is and for years I have looked at him as my "baby brother"....someone I should watch after and someone of which I should take care. However, today it was my "baby brother" who carried me on his back through 3.1 miles of road.  It was my "baby brother" who held me up in his arms and squeezed me tight as I finished my 2nd 5K.  It was my wife who had finished ahead of me and came back to run along side me for the last quarter mile, just like she walks beside me each and every moment of our life together.  As we crossed through two palm trees into my Mother's driveway (our finish line), there was no fanfare...there were no officials...there were no timer chips strapped to our ankles...there were no t-shirts for finishing. We didn't have any of the perks that come with running a traditional 5K, but what we did have was LOVE and FAMILY....and you know something....that is all the SUPPORT I need.

Friday, December 24, 2010

A Minor Christmas Miracle....

So, I got up this morning and headed to the gym in my continued effort to make the workout program a consistent endeavor.  I decided I was going to push myself today harder than I had been earlier in the week.  I warmed up with a bike ride and jumped right into my 30 minute express workout.  True to myself, I did push it.  I did the step station faster and with more effort and I increased the weight on each of the machines by 50%.  Things were going great until I suddenly became dizzy and the workout room almost turned sideways.  I stepped away from the station I was on to get my bearings and realized I had broken a cardinal rule concerning physical activity....I did not eat before I left home.  The combination of my empty stomach and my harder effort almost laid me flat on the ground.  I grabbed some water and decided it was best to walk away for the time being and get a bite to eat to help balance my sugar levels!  Now, in the past the first thing I would have done was started rationalizing why it would be perfectly fine for me to run over to McDonald's and grab a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit to help satiate my appetite...after all I HAD worked out.  Truth be told, the thought definitely crossed my mind.  McDonald's was very close and my brain is so accustomed to giving my body what it craves that shooting over to the drive-thru was actually a viable option!  Enter CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!  I said NO!  I actually got in the truck and headed the opposite direction and went a little further out of my way to go to Subway and enjoy a much healthier and responsible meal.  It felt so good to make that decision, especially since I was truly in the midst of a typical reaction to the food desires of my body.  I had a nice meal and was able to get the rest of my to-do list completed with the knowledge that I had won this battle!  Maybe this little miracle will continue to last the whole holiday season....because let's face it...a greater challenge sits just on the horizon!  CHRISTMAS DINNER WITH THE FAMILY....so much delicious food and so many temptations.  Guess I will need to focus on today's success and push to make the rest of the weekend just has fulfilling.  MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone and here is to a great and prosperous NEW YEAR!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Sore Legs....Happy Heart!

I made it through my third straight workout this morning.  Getting up at 5 am is becoming much easier and the time I am spending with my wonderful wife is absolutely one of my favorite parts of the day.  As it is Day 3, the soreness in my body is beginning to intensify, especially in my quads!  The biggest muscles seem to fight the hardest when you start making them do some actual work.  Interestingly, each time I had to get up and down today at work, my quads would scream at me for what I have been putting them through. Instead of grimacing or complaining about the pain, I smile and remind myself that the pain means I am alive and if I keep it up, I will remain that way for many years to come! 

Quote of Encouragement:

"Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be." (Karen Ravn)

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Death of a Vegetarian!

On June 1st of this year I approached my wife about the idea of becoming a vegetarian! (let me note that I was an "ovolactopescatarian", which means I still consumed eggs, milk and fish)  I was determined that this would be the answer to my weight loss issues.  As we began this life change I was fully engaged.  I read books about being a vegetarian. I looked up tons of vegetarian recipes. I truly embraced the lifestyle and actually enjoyed it.  I really did not miss the meat that I had grown so accustomed to in my diet.  For three months I diligently stuck to the meatless plan and could tell a difference in my energy and all around well-being. THEN.....the journey down the vegetarian highway was brought to an abrupt end as I was faced with the inevitable challenge of....GUYS FANTASY FOOTBALL WEEKEND!  I knew going into the weekend that I was facing a stiff obstacle.  10 guys at a hunting lodge, preparing for the start of the greatest season in the world, surrounded by nature, charcoal and beautiful pieces of red meat...WHAT WAS A NEWLY CONVERTED VEGETARIAN TO DO?  The remnants of the rather large steak that found its way down my throat answered that question. I had caved, given in to my "neanderthal" desires and turned from the vegetarian lifestyle that I had grown to enjoy.  The big question I asked myself was.....WHY?  I mean, I really liked being a vegetarian.  My friends are great guys and outside of the occasional harmless ribbing, would never ask me to do something I didn't choose to do....and that is what happened...I chose to eat the steak!  I also chose to eat the buffalo chicken dip, the hot dogs, the potato chips, and the various other goodies adorning the buffet table.  The ridiculous thing is, I had actually brought a nice array of vegetables and a wonderful piece of salmon with me for the weekend and yet I still caved.  Contemplating this decision and the many other decisions I had made throughout my life that dealt with food led me to the conclusion that I am a very poor "social eater".  When I am alone in my "fortress of solitude", I can control myself beautifully, however, as soon as I get around others I find the most convincing rationalizations to allow myself to deviate from my path.  Case in point...Friday night at a holiday party with my colleagues, I was faced with a simple decision to consume a piece of 1/2 red velvet and 1/2 cheesecake.  A simple "no" would have been the easiest thing to do, but instead I said "thank you" and ate the whole damn thing.  Again I say, WHY?  How can an intelligent, college educated and knowledgeable person make such poor decisions?  The answer I came up with is that patterns that have been ingrained in me since I was young, continue to emerge whenever I find myself in such social situations.  My inability to make smart choices is not out of ignorance, it is out of habit!  Breaking the habit of overeating is a very challenging endeavor and one I intend to finally achieve.  I know I have it within myself to be strong and to rediscover that inner "vegetarian" who faced the criticisms and still maintained a healthy "food focus" for a good amount of time.  Maybe it is time to bring that person back to life...a little resuscitation if you will!  Maybe this time I'll remember that my well-being is far greater than any food that passes over my lips!  Maybe this new found independence will finally break the 30+ year strangle hold my habits have held over me!  Maybe this time I can truly make it happen! 

You know what....forget MAYBE.......     

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Everest.....

Most people would not consider getting up at 6 AM on a Saturday morning to workout an equitable comparison to climbing the world's highest peak, however, I am not "most people"!  After the alarm clock fiasco, I was determined to make it downstairs this morning and complete a workout.  At 6 I rolled out of bed, dressed, smacked myself a few times to be sure I was really awake and prepared for the, sure to be, tumultuous "first" workout in the "new era" of my life.  We selected Jillian MIchaels' "Metabolism Boost" from Exercise On Demand....imagine, a television station full of various workout programs at your fingertips!  The workout went "fairly" well, if watching a 300+ pound male flop around his living room trying to keep up with the "Queen of the Biggest Loser", is on any scale considered a success. At one point I swear I was hallucinating due to the lack of oxygen making to my brain...and I don't know if my metabolism felt the boost, but I swear Jillian looked at me and made the "cutthroat" gesture just before she forced me to do something called 180 jumps followed by mountain climbers...see the Everest analogy does fit!  After the "cool down" phase, which to an overweight person seems just as strenuous as the workout, I lay in the floor of the living room glad I had finished, but wondering if I was going to actually make it back upstairs to shower and get ready for the day. I eventually worked my way to the base of the stairs and once again Everest reared its ugly head.  As I stood at the bottom of the 14 step staircase, I felt as if I were at the base of the Hillary Step with the summit just a few hundred meters away.  Unfortunately, I was going to have to face this portion of my climb without supplemental oxygen and legs that were still on fire!  As each step seemed more and more challenging, I pushed to the summit and was rewarded with a hot shower and the satisfaction of knowing that I did achieve a goal I set for myself and ultimately felt great doing it.  Tomorrow morning.....I think I'll take on Mt. Fuji!

Friday, December 17, 2010

When 5:30 isn't 5:30...

So, as part of my new plan for creating a healthier life for myself, I decided that I would start getting up with my wife at 5:30...that's AM...and work out.  Now, I am not what you would call a morning person by nature. Making the choice to relinquish the warmth and coziness of my bed early in the morning to prance around the living room while driving my muscles to exhaustion is not what you would call my "cup of tea", however in the spirit of new beginnings....I press on!

This morning had been designated as the 1st day of the "Exercise Plan" and I was truly focused on keeping up my end of the bargain.....Unfortunately......In my excitement of publishing the first post of my blog, I neglected to remember that I had committed to make two separate dishes for holiday parties I was attending.  As I walked into the kitchen in preparation of heading to bed for much needed sleep, my eyes focused on the 5LBS of chicken wings and 2LBS of shrimp thawing in the sink.  At this point, I SANK!  I had to take care of this situation as leaving the food overnight and cooking it later was not an option.  My wife looked at me with sympathy and said, "Don't stay up too late."  Now for those who know me, I am an overachiever when it comes to cooking, especially for social gatherings.  I never settle for the simplest of entrees. I push myself to create interesting dishes that will hopefully "WOW" and impress my friends.  Thus my long night began. 

Fast Forward to 2:30 am and I finally headed to bed both tired and unfocused.  I still intended to keep my word and get up to work out....NO PAIN, NO GAIN.....right?  As I slithered into the bed, I rolled over to make sure that I had the alarm clock set for the soon to arrive 5:30 wake up call.  Now, my alarm clock is what you would call a "classic."  I received it as a graduation present from my older brother and by graduation, I mean from high school.  We're talking about an alarm clock that is 15 years old.  This thing is one step from having a prehistoric bird popping out and pecking you on the head to wake you up.  I checked the settings and sure enough the bright neon numbers flashed 5:30 back in my weary face...I WAS GOING TO DO IT!

I woke up after a very peaceful rest and was surprised to find that I had actually beaten the alarm to the punch.  I rolled to check the time and sure enough it read a bright 5:30!  I DID IT! I woke up on time and even though I was feeling the effects of 3 hours of sleep, I was excited about the effort I had made to stick with my commitment.  After the haziness of the early morning began to wear away, I noticed a couple of things that began to raise concerns in my mind as to the true validity of my accomplishment. First, the clock that had given me such hope had not changed numbers in several minutes.  I had surely been awake for some time and the 5:30 was still staring me in the face. Now, it may have been the sleep deprivation, but I swear I felt like that clock was chastising me!  The second clue came when suddenly I realized that I was not alone in my bed. Two bright eyed little ladies were laying next to me and begging for me to tune the TV to a "kids show!" I thought to myself that 5:30 was early even for a 5 and 3 year old.  The final clue that burst my excited bubble was the blurry image of my fully clothed and ready for the day wife emerging from the bathroom.  As my eyes focused she said in a very sweet voice, "Did you enjoy your rest?"  At this moment I began to defend myself by proclaiming my success in waking on time ready to work out...to which she replied, "No honey, it is almost 7...you overslept!"  DAMN clock....I turned to look, and that sinister apparatus continued to stare at me with the, no longer exciting, 5:30 flashing across its face.  I picked it up prepared to toss it across the room when I realized my error.  Apparently, in my exhausted state of the previous night, I neglected to switch the button from "set" to "alarm."  It had been 5:30.....ALL NIGHT!  ARRRGGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, the good news....there will be other mornings......and if that clock doesn't watch its back.............

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Beginnings....

So, I guess I should begin by explaining a little about how this blog idea came together and then share a little about my desires for the outcome of this endeavor!  It all began about 4 months ago when I decided it was time for me to take a long look at the person I was and the life I was living.  As a successful educator, 12 years on the job, I have spent countless hours mentoring and encouraging young people to overcome their issues and problems by seeking productive alternatives to such reactions as anger, frustration, guilt and fear.  Unfortunately, for most of my adult life, I personally allowed many of those exact emotions to control the person I was.  After a very emotionally charged day at work, I decided I did not want to spend another day of my life feeling drained and weakened by my own inability to control the emotions inside of me. I chose to take action and with the help of a dear friend and the support of my amazing wife I began seeing an incredible therapist. Now, for those of you reading this that know me and are currently gasping at the previous revelation, BREATHE...everything is OK! Choosing to seek help from someone who is not only clinically qualified, but who is also an incredible person is the best thing I have done for myself in a long time.  Thoreau once said that, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation," now while he may not have been referring to me personally, the life I was living was chock full of quiet desperation. Through therapy I have found a voice of reason within myself to handle the day-to-day grind that is LIFE! I am learning that "NO" is a great word and should be used liberally! I now have skills that assist me in coping with issues I can't control and ones that drive me to the brink of INSANITY! (Poor choice of words for someone in therapy...but you get the idea!) In recent conversations, my therapist and I have been tossing around strategies to assist in taking care of two issues that continue to frustrate me....

#1) MY WEIGHT: Yes, the 300 pound elephant in the room actually turned out to be ME! For the majority of my life I have struggled with weight issues and positive feelings about my physicality. I have yo-yo'd with the best diets on the market and have completed 3 applications for THE BIGGEST LOSER before ultimately trashing them and moving on to yet another love affair with some form of highly sweetened goodness! (Chocolate covered Peanut Butter is my true weakness. Seriously, you cover a rotting piece of carrion with PB & C and this guy will scarf it down like a buzzard who has given up road kill for Lent!) Finding a way to finally take charge and win the battle with my own personal "FAT PHANTOM" now ranks as Priority #1 on my most wanted list.

#2) MY NEED FOR PERSONAL ENLIGHTENMENT: Now, don't get me wrong, I love what I do for a living and I have truly been blessed with wonderful young people who have immeasurably made my life exponentially better, however, there comes a time when you begin to question if you are pushing yourself to the highest possible plane of existence.  I love what I do and I am good at it (said with humility and confidence), yet it seems that lately I have had moments when I feel like I need to challenge myself to do more and push myself to achieve even greater things!  Writing is something that I have always enjoyed doing and something that has both challenged and enlightened me throughout my life.  There have been many occasions that I have started the next "Great American Novel" only to watch it fade to black as quickly as it began.  Ideas have never been my problem, follow through and completion are the real enemies of my success.

....so in a stroke of true enlightened genius, I am speaking of my therapist of course, she thought it would be a great idea to combine the two issues and make my attack a full frontal assault.  Thus, the blog was born. My main desire in this blog is to maintain a written journal of my journey to recovery as a lifetime overeater.  I hope that by mixing a large dose of honesty with a smidgen of humor I will find the healing answer I need to eradicate from my life these two issues that can no longer rob me of my joy.  By creating a blog that is open to the public, I hope I will find many, who like me, walk this path of "quiet desperation" and will create a bond of kinship and support to see this journey to fruition.  I realize that along the way I may run into some detractors who will not choose to understand the journey I am taking and to them I simply say...STAY OFF THE BLOG...it is my life and I can do what I want!  

Well, that about sums up the introduction phase of this campaign. If you read this and find it intriguing, then become a follower and lets get down to business....I really will need as much help, support and accountability as I can get! One final thing before I christen this vessel and make this journey official....THIS IS ME, BUT NOT FOR LONG!

VULNERABILITY: The first step to recovery!
HONESTY: That which will set you free!
HUMILITY: The building block of success!