Recently, I have found myself drawn back to the allure of a previous "mistress." This enchantress seems to cast a blinding spell over me from time to time, causing me to sneak around, act secretive and create alibis so as not to blow my cover and expose my "affair." This temptress knows just what to do and say to break down all my defenses and lure me back into a destructive relationship like "a moth to flame." This is a relationship that has gone on for over 30 years and is one I truly "hate" to "love". I speak of course of that eating establishment made famous by a clown and a pair of golden arches. Seriously, I am an intelligent guy, I went to college, I watched "Supersize Me," I know what eating the food from this place can and will do to me and I know that as someone who is trying to make a significant change in my life, that a complete and total break in this relationship is crucial.....I JUST CAN'T HELP IT! (Whiny, satirical voice implied) It is hard not to want those juicy, cheese-covered, bacon topped burgers and those crispy, salty fries! It is difficult to bypass that sweet, caffeine-filled, effervescent fizzle of an ice cold Dr. Pepper. I try to be "good" and stay away, but like a fly who just saw three of his buddies electrocuted by the enticing blue glow of the bug zapper, I push forward and give in to those deep urges...feeling ever so guilty along the way. Most of the time I look around, hoping that I won't see someone I know, anticipating that at any moment my cover will be blown and a camera crew for the show "Cheaters" will pop out as I am licking a stray glob of ketchup from my lip and ask me "What are you doing?" and "Does your wife know about this relationship?"
Unfortunately, sometimes she doesn't know....no one does! I have honed my craft as a "closet eater." I have perfected my abilities to consume an entire meal and avoid detection. I keep paper towels, plastic bags, body spray, mouthwash and other masking agents in my truck to aid in the keeping of my secret. I have literally walked in the house without a shirt on to hide the drop of mustard I spilled in a moment of carelessness. I have actually eaten two dinners on many occasions to keep up the appearance that I was truly hungry. I have lied to and knowingly deceived people I love. I have avoided questions and curbed the truth enough to dodge awkward moments and have even denied knowledge of happenings to keep my secret safe. I don't want to do that any longer. As an over eater, my choices are often driven by my physical desires for the food I know is bad for me and also by the social/personal desires to appear strong and confident, even when I am at my weakest. I want to be strong, because I am strong, and not just appear that way. By confessing some of these behaviors, my hope is that I will not have to keep them hidden within me, that the truth will set me free and act as a reminder that I can be strong and brave and make good choices. I can drive by these restaurants that have controlled my life for so long and just smile and continue on my path to health and happiness. I also hope that if there is someone else out there who has done or continues to do these things, that my honesty and vulnerability will act as encouragement to break the cycle of lies and remove the chains that bind them to a life of secrets and self-destruction. I hope that this will be the first of many "true confessions" about the life I have chosen to live and the life I now choose to be rid of, once and for all.
Have I told you lately that I love you? I am so glad you are writing again.
ReplyDelete