Floating on a raft no bigger than myself, surrounded by waves so ominous that I can't help but wonder which one will crash upon me taking me beneath the cold water. The night sky, so dark and lifeless that even the perception of light is lost upon me. I wait, bobbing up and down lake a buoy that is no longer anchored to the earth, but has been set adrift to wonder aimlessly through the waters. No help in sight...no saviour on the water to pull me to the safety of a vessel. I drift alone with the thoughts, concerns and fears that life inevitably casts upon me. The essence of my existence is challenged by the enormity of the situation in which I find myself. At a moment like this I am unable to focus on the positive aspects of my life....I am unable to look at myself in any way other than negatively and I can't help but blame myself for the things I have not done. The disappointment I feel engulfs my being and I am DEFEATED!
For the past month, this is the person I have been. I have avoided the blog, glossed over issues with friends and been distant at times with my wife and family. Usually, I tell a story that has some humor and a happy ending full of hope for the future. Unfortunately, that has not been the person I was in recent weeks. The crazy thing is, I know the coping skills needed to avoid these times in my life. I know that when the world begins to cave in and the mountain of responsibilities seems to grow by exponential leaps and bounds that I am capable of avoiding the depressed moments of life and that I can make things better. Recently, I have not done that. Over the last few weeks, I have allowed myself to fall ever so slowly into a void of confusion and despair, in which I had not been in quite some time. The ease of which this occurred is startling. Two weeks ago when I met with my therapist, Dr. Kristen Wynns, I spent much of the session in tears and frustration unable to express in words what I was feeling. I even tried to convince myself that I was not feeling emotionally depressed and that fatigue was to blame. Well, fatigue was partially to blame, but so was the continued self-abusing, criticizing, and unyielding feeling of ineptness that I was holding over myself. Like many others in the world, I still to this day at times berate myself and hold myself to such unattainable personal limits that anytime I fall short of these expectations I stand ready to crucify all my behaviors and nullify any goodness that I have managed to achieve. I so beat myself up, that the physical fatigue my body feels from the relentless schedule I keep myself under each week, pales in comparison to the emotional fatigue that I personally create within myself. I then do a fine job of pushing each and every feeling that could act as a glimmer of hope so deep into my psyche that it has no chance of being seen or heard. Once I have completely eliminated the good aspects of who I am, the real torture begins. I look at everything in my life through the landscape of a tunnel. I don't see the beauty that surrounds the tunnel, only the darkness that fills it. Nothing seems positive....my job isn't fulfilling, my truck isn't good enough, my parenting skills are horrible, my house isn't nice enough, I don't provide for my family as I should, my relationship with my wife is poor....all of these things being completely untrue, but not when viewed in the darkness of the tunnel. Once I have everything good and packed down, I wait until just the last moment and allow it to explode upon others. Now in the past, this explosion would have included massive anger, frustration and even rage...a positive change in my life is that this no longer happens. However, the anger this last time was replaced with a sadness and depression that left me in a place that I did not like!
Fortunately, I have a wonderfully supportive wife and a very talented therapist who help steer me back in the right direction. I know that the things I feel during these times are completely bogus and that I need to lighten up on myself from time to time and allow myself to make the occasional mistake without dropping the proverbial hammer on myself. After compartmentalizing the responsibilities I was facing, I was able to slowly, but surely, check each of them off in a timely and successful manner. As this week begins, I am out of the tunnel and enjoying the beauty of the world around me. My main focus now must be on my ability to see the tunnel before I enter it and to be honest with myself enough to admit that the tunnel is out there and that I am going to inevitably enter it again, I just hope I have a light with me the next time it happens.
(On a personal note....to those of you who continue to support and love me....THANKS! I promise not to allow another month to pass without posting to the blog. I realize now that if I need and desire the support of good friends, it is important to keep people informed. I chose not to write this last month, because I felt embarrassed about the things I was going through. I realize that it is in those times that I need you the most. So from here on, no matter what I am experiencing...good, bad, or indifferent....I WILL WRITE! I love and appreciate you all.)
I'm so glad you're up and out of that slump. If only you could see yourself as others see you and more importantly, as God sees you. But that is the challenge for all of us, isn't it? I think there's a perfectionist in you that could 'lighten up'. I have one too :-/ TRUE perfection will come later--right?
ReplyDeleteLove you so much!!
Jeanne Tickle
You are a wonderful person! Love, Cathy J
ReplyDeleteYou always remember no matter what you achieve, or what you fail at each day, you have a beautiful wife and 3 life changing smiles to come home to each night. Savor that. Remember, I have and will always look up to you. I love you and am proud to call you my twin. Strong within yourself. Love you. (I'm always here, always.)
ReplyDeleteJohn
I have had many Inspirational people come and go throughout my life. I have been filled with encouragement to succeed in all I do, to never stop thinking positive. No matter how hard things got in life I have never given up, but tried to see the positive in some shape or form, no matter how gloomy it may have looked or what storm always seemed to be heading my way. I was encouraged to give my best, even if there were better out there. I was told to keep moving forward and don't look back. I have come to achieve all I have despite all obstacles today by just following what these people have told me. These inspirational people have come in many forms in my life, as a Coach, never letting me leave without leaving all that I have out there on that court; blood, sweat, and tears; win or lose. As a teacher, making sure I understood everything that I was taught, no matter what the cost; However, most importantly, a friend to me. A friend always there for me no matter what, giving me advice on how to better myself.. I thank you for being those people in my life. Never look back, but keep looking forward, for life has many joys to bring you. You have touched many people in your life and for that you should feel endless happiness.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all you have done for me and continue to do for others. You are truly an inspiration for us all. Coach,Teacher, Brother,Son,Instructor,Friend, Father, Husband, Mentor, I can go for days. You are so blessed. Continue the hard work.
Warmest Regards,
Mike Allison
Thanks everyone, your words of love and kindness mean so much.
ReplyDeleteMike, you are a shining light and a joy in my heart. I am so proud of the man you are and proud to have called myself your coach, teacher and to continue to call myself your friend. Thank you for the loving reminder!
Once again, so amazed at your honesty! This is random but two books came to mind while reading your post. They are both by women but I'm thinking you are a pretty cool guy so you won't mind :) One is "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer and the other is "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst. And I just wanna say, as someone who will probably never know you personally, that you are more than the sum of your efforts. Your successes or failures are not the measure of your worth. God's overwhelming, more than enough and more than we can imagine Love is the qualifier and that never changes. Sounds really 'spiritual' except it's been setting me free once I could begin to accept it :)
ReplyDeleteI will not wax philosophical or maudlin today. I will simply say that I have complete confidence in your ability to love yourself so that you can love and nurture those you cherish the most. Too, Young One, I am always on your side!
ReplyDeleteVanessa thanks for the great reminder and I already feel as if we know each other even if we have not formally met. I have been reading your posts and find them very encouraging and a great way to focus my attention on the wonderful power of God's Word.
ReplyDeleteMama, as always, you bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart. I still count my blessings that you came into my life when you did...knowing you has made me a better teacher and stronger person. Love you!